Nostra Senyora de Gràcia

walking from the burger place to serene centre i realised i couldn't make out the numbers on the buses across the street... should have heeded the shanghai doctor's advice on heading to a eye specialist. regrets. i bought effervescent vitamin tablets though..

along the way i passed a young couple. the girl had her head between her knees and was practically howling while the guy sat in slience next to her. as i scoffed inwardly, i get an ironic flashback to puppylove. we were nothing as.. public, but the pain and emotion is somehow, still very raw. i not quite sure how to describe this.. but i look at them and feel numb but i remember this raw pain. and silly as it sounds.. it still hurts just as much.

also, jk really hit the nail on the head. i hate being bombarded left right and centre.. but kudos to him being spot on.
it stings, you know?

sometimes i don't know if i'm being hard on myself or not.. the past few years have been emotionally horrible. that isnt an excuse, i know. i want to take off the seat belt while on this never ending rollercoaster.
so many times i've said, i really can't do this anymore. i can't take it anymore.
but i'm still here.

i would tell you to get off the high horse and come down for some humble pie, that your actions are not only selfish but you take the people around you for granted as well.
but it isnt the same anymore, and i constantly remind myself it doesnt and shouldnt matter anymore.

my parents are acting like lovesick teenagers and it is eating me alive.

not that i would want to change the former tho :)

got quite abit ticked off my to do list this week.
went to the doctor for a checkup on tuesday, and he just had to refer his books and then google the blood test results O_O funnny man nonetheless.
finally got a haircut as well. it was sooo overlayered the last time i guess it'll be awhile before i'll grow to like it again. hmm, the hairdresser was kind of cute though, which made his incessant nagging and flirting tolerable. ha.
met up with aunt sally, kind of bittersweet i guess... ugh. at least it is over and done with.
going to tedx laters, and playing the thrid wheel 0_0
was buying tongs and stuff for the shop at daiso.. and there were these insanely insanely insanely cute animal face squeezy containers. died a little inside.
free things friday next week! woohoo, free movie und free beeeeer. goood things for broke people :)
my sleep cycle has been quite horrid lately. i fall asleep around 8, 9pm..... usually with the laptop open and in IM mid conversations :S and wake up around 2 or 3am.
been thinking hard about getting inked lately. i think i'm ready now. just neeed to watch the cash so perhaps when i'm back for masters. or maybe a first pay birthday present.

posting things here is kinda meditative and self obsessed.

i remember in JC i used to avoid the word 'blog' cos i was in denial of submitting to something painfully mainstream, and to protect myself from possible preempts of narcissim.

both reasons are quite stupid.

i realize. all of my life thus far, i haven't quite been able to accept myself. most of my close friendships don't last long. and i claim full responsibility. i guess i can be full of reasons and excuses, but it doesn't really matter... right? Audrey l, meng yean, chaikee, jeretoot, mal, charis, audery k, sarsi, tesh.. so many friendships i chose to let dissolve. i really miss you guys. hopefully someday i will find peace with myself before i lose even more people.

so suffocated and trapped.. quite a 'teenage' thing to feel. but i know, most of this is not right.. it's simply not normal. perhaps the root of this is much deeper than i thought it was. i spent most of my teenage years on self harm, and then escaping shrinks when the sessions got too painful. now, it seems like i'm spending all my time in lobo.. escaping feelings if that is possible.

but then, god works in many ways. i think i'm quite blessed.... with the people i have today. am always in awe how people have put up with me.

with LJ, it's nice to vent here.. and spill. this is like a guilty pleasure. abandoned and no one reads this anymore, so stuff just comes out of me without inhibitions.

just dreamt of being in a fondant factory, much like willy wonka's. giant sheets of fondant floating over this liquid.. with different temperatures. there was a bit that was scorching hot and sheets of fondant would be dipped in, to create a towel that the elephant in winnie the pool has in is mouth. the 'frying' of the sheets creates this texture on the surface. the last bits of this dream was that of bj jumping onto a floating platform with hot liquid beneath and doing this simultaneous action of dipping the sheet and stuffing it into the elephant's mouth and half the sheet fell out and he was annoyed. also that of youyou yelling across to me to stop jumping cos she was going to fall in from the imbalance of the platforms

so weird. i hate fondant.

okay some happy things and a to-do-list

the chilean president is either quite handsome, or airbrushed to perfection.
elgy sent a super cute MMS from work.
dad yawning in mum's face to annoy her.
mum getting better... i like to believe.
need to buy a birthday and housewarming present.
need to drag ass down for blood test.
clear out wardrobe.
change bedsheets and do laundry. hate laundry.
make appointment for medical check up.